When You’ve Gone Too Far…Again
As I sat across from her, I could see the sadness in her eyes. And then the confession: “Amanda, my boyfriend and I went ‘too far’… again!!” My first reaction was to blame the guy for putting pressure on her, but then the truth came out….She was the one who started the physical relationship, and she was the one driving it.
Sadly, as a college pastor’s wife, this is not an unusual conversation.
There seems to be a growing trend among single girls to be more aggressive in their relationships, which includes their physical relationships with guys. I am talking about professing Christian girls, so please do not think this is limited only to non-believers. When I was in high school (which was not that long ago), I remember my mother telling me to wait for a guy to call instead of calling him first. My dad also warned me about certain guys’ aggressive behavior and told me what to do if they ever “tried” anything.
Fast forward a few years, and the cultural landscape has drastically changed. Women are now told to fight for what they want and not give up until they have it (or him). The Bachelorette glamorizes the one night stand and puts the woman in the driver’s seat to claim her groom. And young girls have role models like Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, and Kim Kardashian who trade in their purity for sex appeal. In a world where sexual immorality is glamorized and encouraged, it is easy for women to lose sight of the fact that God has a plan for us and our sexuality.
1. We must realize that we are God’s special creation.
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” (Ps 139:13-14) I am convinced that one of the reasons we fall into sexual sin is because we do not know or claim our worth as God’s creation.
We are different from all other creatures because we bear the image of God (Gen 1:26-28). He also designed us to desire sexual intimacy, but He had a purpose for it…marriage (Gen 2:24). The idea that sex is a gift and blessed by God is a revolutionary thought for some girls. I have gotten some interesting looks when I have made that declaration. But it is true.
If sexual intimacy was not blessed by God and part of His plan for men and women, then why does Satan spend so much time and energy enticing us into sexual sin and skewing what God created? God desires for us to live in freedom from the pain that sexual sin causes (1 Cor 6:17-20). But we must trust Him and His plan.
Note: God has given parents the responsibility for teaching and showing our daughters how important they are to Him. As mothers, we must model for our daughters a life of obedience to Christ and then teach them how they can use their sexuality to glorify God.
2. We must realize that sin, of any nature, is a choice.
“But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (Jms 1:14-15). This seems like a simple point, but I am always amazed at how many times we want to justify or blame others for our sinful actions. This tactic has been around since the first sin was committed in the Garden of Eden. When confronted with their sin, Adam blames Eve, and Eve blames the serpent (Gen 3:9-13). However, God holds each of us accountable for what we do or fail to do.
When asked, most girls tell me their inappropriate physical relationship “just happened.” However, once I dig a little deeper, I discover that at some point they made a decision to take the next step. Temptation to sin often follows a certain pattern. She went over to a guy’s house/apartment knowing they would be alone. They engaged in an inappropriate conversation and then did not stop once God convicted her heart. She knew the guy’s defenses were down, so she pushed or enticed him to go further.
The good news is Scripture promises that when we are tempted, God will always provide a way of escape for us. But, we must be willing and then call upon Him in the moment of temptation (1 Cor 10:13). We must be aware of situations that often lead us to engage in sinful behavior and then choose to go the other direction. Sin does not happen in a vacuum; it is always a choice.
In what ways are you choosing to sin? If you are dating someone, do you have guidelines (boundaries) for your physical relationship? Do your friends know those boundaries? What “temptation pattern” do you see in your relationships with guys? Are you willing for God to come in and help you break those patterns?
3. We must enlist an accountability partner to help us fight against sin.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” (Eccl 4:9-10) This passage is vital in understanding the importance of an accountability partner. Though Solomon was mainly talking about physical labor, this principle is clear: God never intended for us to go through life alone.
We live in an age where online technology fits inside our hand, and we have reduced “community” to whomever we connect with over Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, or Instagram. However, true, biblical accountability happens face-to-face. You allow another person to ask you the difficult questions, and you know they can tell if you are lying to them. This person must be someone who is strong in her Christian faith and not struggling with the same thing. Satan wants us to keep our sin hidden, but God says there is much freedom to shinning light (His light) on our sin (Eph 5:11-14). When sin is brought into the light, there is no place for you or your sin to hide. At this point, God can begin to bring healing and freedom to your heart and life.
Do you have an accountability partner? Is she a mature Christian that you trust to ask you the hard questions? If not, please ask a trusted friend, mom, or sister to come alongside you and help you fight against the temptation of sexual sin.
The world is attacking women’s sexuality and feeding us lies that seem like the truth.
However, find encouragement from the fact that God has a better plan for your life. If you are caught up in a cycle of sexual sin, please come to God’s throne of grace, confess that sin before Him, and then find the freedom of His forgiveness (1 John 1:9, Heb 4:12-16). Then enlist someone to come alongside you to hold you accountable not to fall again. My prayer is that we would be women who are known for a purity of heart and not our pursuit of men.